If you really loved me the way you say you do
If you love me half as much as I love you
You would pluck a planet from the sky
You’d use a star to dot the “i”
In I love you… that is what you’d do
You’d take a dreardy day and you would paint it blue
If you loved me unconditionally
These are the things that you’d do for me

You know I need you
Like a fish needs the sea
Like a fire needs oxygen
Like a flower needs a bee
But if you really cared for me
You’d let me video you while you wee
Standing up in the bath, I shouldn’t even have to ask
Perhaps you’ll even store a little more in a flask
These are just the things that people do
When their love for one another is true
Doo doo doo

We go together
Like a cracker and Brie
Like racism and ignorance
Like niggers and R&B
But if you really want to show you care
You’d let me wear your underwear
When we go to your mum’s, for a bit of harmless fun
I just like talking about your childhood with lace between my buns
There’s no reason for a big to-do
If your love for one-another is really truly true

We go together
Like a bird and a nest
Like Internet and kiddie-porn
Like guns and the US
And if you love me like you say you do
You’d purchase forty cockatoos
And teach them to fly… in formation in the sky
And shit the words “Tim is God” on my ex-girlfriend’s Hyundai
Sure, it might be easier with doves
But shirking challenges is not what love

Is all about
Love is not all wine and roses
Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese
No-one said love is for free
And if you agree with that
You’ll sing me passages from the koran wearing nothing but your Bob the Builder hat
To the tune of waltzing Matilda
I just love the combination of islam, nationalism and builder

Because I need you
Like a tick needs a tock
Like bananas need pyjamas
Like a nun needs cock
But if you want to put your love for me first
You wouldn’t go through childbirth
You’d agree to adopt so that you could stay thin
We’ll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin
And communists don’t make as much noise
And they’re really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you
Like an Aussie digs pies
Like Born-Agains dig Jesus
Like Jesus dug guys

And if you love me just a modicum
You’d softly rub my perineum
And stick your finger up my bum
As I’m about to cum
I’ve heard that it’s acceptable and reasonably fun
Not that I would want you to
But hypothetically it’s something you might do
If you loved me unconditionally
Like letting me video you while you wee
Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV